Mindfulness is great for anxiety and especially sleep
· View of antidepressant, cbd, mindfulness – I want to address the root cause instead of managing it day to day because it’s not consistent and can be not sustaining. (I/ people are not functioning normally without it so what’s the point of using it) BUT addressing the root cause doesn’t help with every day but helps long-term. Mindfulness is a way for training my mind not just a way to manage.
· Using cbd/thc to make sleep easier is helping with the mindful process
· Fear of the moments before falling asleep – white noise as a help to calm my mind – Don’t listen/ pay attention to the noise – have it on a bit before going to bed so I can get used to it and it’s not a new sound– make it into a sleep routine as a winding down process to tell that everything is going down/ slowing down
· Things/thoughts that I am running away from – where I am going with in school. I am so focused on something that helps that I keep doubting Rec therapy now. Fucking up in high-school is a big toll on my situation now. Body reaction – im kind of scampering for words, a lot of breakage in my sentences, shortness of breath, thinking in a loop.
· I didn’t mess up in high-school… it was different than what I’ve been used to. Before I had a regiment – a routine that was created for me where I didn’t need to or had any opportunity to input anything. But when I came here almost everything was according to me or I had a lot of leverage … no routine. The structure was much looser so a lot of ways to branch of – a lot of time to myself and didn’t know what to do with it. I never had to deal with my marks going down. So I ran away from it. I didn’t have anything in my skillset to know what to do when I am going down so I avoided and continue to do it so I don’t have to deal with it. ….. I was a teenager (14) experiencing something for the first time (before doing well in stuff was my identity) and didn’t know how to get back up… Cause I’ve never been that down before. So I felt stuck, no use in trying, I can’t do it so I gave up. I didn’t receive the support I needed…. Even though I knew I could probably do the assignments but I didn’t do them… What was getting in my way? My thoughts said there is no point (that sounds like depression and that is valid). I didn’t and am not doing enough weight to that thought. I couldn’t have overcome that thought… because I didn’t. I didn’t mess up… I was depressed. Nobody said.. Okay I see no motivation what can we do about it, accommodations etc. I was in this alone. I was new and didn’t know what else to do other than avoid. I should be compassionate to my younger self. In college I continued with this specific thought and did nothing to help with that. When
thinking like this – when shaming – there is no point to it. Work on self-compassion.
· Saying sorry a lot. Think sorry a lot. I am just sorry a lot… all the time. ‘I am just sorry’. When we apologize we are not acknowledging that I also deserve it – deserve patience, friendship, kindness and compassion. Flip it around and be grateful – thanking them. It’s common. The difference is sorry is saying sorry for my existence and just being. Thank you is being grateful and valuing for the other person. I haven’t thought of appreciating the things and people because I was so focused on me and being sorry
· I don’t have to say sorry for my existence… to the people in my life. I fully believe in these two ways of thinking where I am sorry for my existence but also I am living my life, for myself etc. – I am a complex person. It’s okay to seek help, accommodation, compassion, kindness, forgiveness and feel entitled to that from others.
· I feel I don’t deserve that ^. Why? Because the way I grew up, being kind to me was something I earned (people under you – servants, customer service do that because they get $ for that) and worked towards and improve by accomplishing things and meeting expectation. I don’t feel deserving of kindness and respect of it because I haven’t earned that. – There is something wrong with this logic.
· I can’t just study – it required a good mental health, to be in a good general health. The POV of parents is that I gave you a good home, opportunity, food and everything so all you have to do is study and thrive in this country. And that’s simple – what more do I need? But I do need more – I need acceptance and love from my parents and that’s something that was withheld on the condition that I do well. Someone to care for her, validate her and say she’s going to be okay. So for my mom she didn’t have safety, no one to take care of her. She’s giving me what she didn’t have and wanted at that time but she doesn’t know about what else she needed and isn’t giving me that. That’s a human need… says I had everything I need to study – I didn’t + I had/ have the idea that kindness and respect need to be earned. But the kindness and respect need to come first before I can do anything – to stabilize my mood. So I should remind myself that I don’t need to earn it… It’s a human necessity.
· My own mental state need to be here before I decide to do anything.
· What all my parents did … that’s their job as parents. I never asked for it. It’s a way of making me feel guilty, make me appreciative and grateful when my life is my own and I don’t need to owe them. It’s an immigrant experience. Obligations.
It’s a toxic way to frame it- we gave up all these things for you so if you don’t make something out of yourself it’s a waste of our lives.
· I don’t need to be apologetic for my choices and being my own person but I can be appreciative and grateful for them.
· I am not selfish. I am not a disappointment. If they are disappointed they need to realize that I am an independent person and I don’t we them anything.
· Like I owe everyone in my circle something.
· If the other person are gone from my life it would make a difference.
· Parents put it in my head that I have to owe people something in order to have self-worth, receive kindness and respect.
· I still deserve to be here even if I am not making a difference in someone’s life. But I have worth for being just here. It’s more than just about my worth. Do I deserve to be here/ why am here?question isn’t fair. Life is more than about giving to others. Focusing on the present, sensory experiences what life has to offer everyday…It’s not about the big meaning of life etc… Cause it can be very cyclical. And I think about it all the time – my worth. It’s an unfair question that leads to unfair answers because there will never be an answer to it.
· Communication – sharing what hurt you and telling them. Don’t call names and labels etc (you are always like …) instead speaking from personal (I left really bothered when you did…, I felt neglected) and acknowledging my own (I know sometimes I can be like this but can you handle that and work on it together). It’s okay to let go of little things. Listening and hearing them out.
· Questioning things… Do they feel annoyed by me? … Instead just ask. Or I feel really self-conscious that you might be thinking this way is that true? And re assurance. Love languages… Figuring out how you accept love and how you give love and how our partner accept and give love and trying to match that together.
· I am allowed to make mistakes
· I am allowed to receive love without giving it first
· I am allowed to disagree
· I am allowed to exist and live my life.
· I don’t need to apologize for existing.
· Just be grateful for what people give me because they want to and they love me and they care about me. And I do the same thing back and ask nothing in return.
· Love is not a transaction
· The right people will understand that and will not guilt me for living my life.