The ego that not only emphasizes the spotlight effect during the day-by-day routine. The ego that is me – a part of me – emphasis and creates an image of myself, to me that is above others – above the regular thats been collectively accepted in the reality of sustaining oneself in this developed country. The potential of me is one the egoistical present me creates and the ashamed present me condones. Simultaneousy the Me accepts that it is a willful refusal and rejection of that potential. The present me then stamps shame as in reality is is a shame. The shame is applicable to that rejection – it is proven by my ego. It is then the privilage of safety of my physical body due to the parents i was born to, I quickly turn from the waves of disgusting urgency to avoidance of both the shame and potential that my ego creates. By doing that a sense of numbing victory is gained.
When the senses are back and/or when the reality while avoiding and cowardly hiding in plain site happen; the hopeless, disgusting, tiring, self – the realism of Me comes to a surface over and over again. It is then the potential visualizes and shame overlaps with it and the coward that is me in that present reality rises again.
By creating a dialogue like this in my head to me, the ego that is fully me feels a fulfilment of a green checkmark – that time has moved and it has been filled with intense movement. So the biased rationalization outputs a realism of me again that protrays the complicated being I am, was and will continue to be. But that is the coward again isnt it? Or is that the me that is progressing within step by step. Its just not a physical reality because the past me’s avoidance was of running away and the current me’s is toward? Or is that also a falsehood?
The choices are so straightforward, simple and easily recognizatioble. But there are many choices like that and the avoidence of those choices keeps being reasoned with by the egoistical present me.
Why is the use of these types of words that sounds like microsoft word’s synonym list chosen by me to represent the movement of the egoistically coward me. It is an online test that i missed and I realised that after spending a whole day intentionally avoiding. Are these responses the ‘just’ response? Isnt this another avoidence?
Therapist said acceptance of disnterest will help at times like this. But acceptance of disinterest repeatedly like this (repeted 2 times pft) is displaying that avoidence of this and leaning into the acceptance of collective reality is what will result in a future that will be valuable through my existsnce? All this talk of ego and still no physical movement. It is shame and cowardance isnt it?
ugh this was of conceptualizing, why the energy toward this when it is so dumb and cringy? I sound and feel like a philosopher made through cowardance rather than willful and intential avoidance. A loser. But thats not true. Whatever reality my ego creates – my ego creating is me creating but that creation is a choice the current me made as it was holistic choice my mind, body and soul in the present strength could do. As the cliche says and my wall-writing days proved – it is a dotted line in a path that get built as I move by. A choice is just a choice. Wether the choice was to avoid, potential advocate it is a dotted like the me is on. The beautiful past, present and future me have every right to claim that choice however it feel. Other than acceptingm identifying, acknowleding, sublimenting and slowly overshadowing the present coward, is there anything else to do? There are but that is a choice – justfully and easily mine too as the me had come to existence to this set of parents in the circumstances they were…
Ahh bulla…