When the time for a movement presents and I decide, the mind freezes and avoids – I freeze and avoid. Judgement and questioning the worth I have to judge is ….
What do I wanna say? Am I so stupid that no words can be used to describe the feelings, moods, thoughts by me? Is the blankness when I look ahead to take any body movement a result of avoidance causing no experience to draw from? I want to cry. Do I? Or is it because I spend the whole day scrolling getting my quick fix of dopamine while running away from the intentional decision making – choosing inaction?
Night time feels better – the need to take action is less because most are resting, being entertained, winding down compared to the day times where the contrast of what I am doing vs others is too apparent. Then when I do something small, it feels like the whole day was leading to this action so its ok. Like today, I am writing this post now. In the morning/before this I was on my phone avoiding myself, family, dog, eyes, sun and possibilities.
Spending time with others puts the avoidance I have taken and is taking too hard to not stare. So just do something, anything other than scrolling, yawning, blanking. The ideas for this blog comes up and I put in in a memory box that I think I will come back to. Sometimes I will but that’s an avoidance I’m doing to not take the action then when I could.
To me – Do. Move. Look.
To me – The self loathing, self distrusting and self lies is increasing the hot air balloon of low self worth and esteem. Its making it harder and harder to breath. The existence feels heavier and I am the one who is not helping.
I love you. Stop hurting yourself.